She hadn’t anticipated this, hadn’t been rehearsing for doctors and a recovery, had pictured only police press conferences and a funeral, or an endless agonizing wait.
When Jen’s fifteen-year-old daughter Lana goes missing, she never for a minute imagines she will have her back, alive, and unharmed. Nor did she imagine Lana wouldn’t have anything to tell her of the most horrific four days of her parent’s lives. Days when they didn’t know what had happened to her, or if they would ever see her alive again. Lana’s troubles didn’t begin after she went missing, there was something lurking deep within her that begs the question, did she try to hurt herself- again?
Deep down, Jen doesn’t trust her daughter’s story, that she had somehow gotten lost during the painting holiday they were on. Worse, that she vanished while under her care and husband Hugh is so happy to have his daughter back that he doesn’t want Jen to harass her with questions, questions that demand answers! All Jen wants is to understand her daughter, but their relationship is nothing like the one she has with her eldest. Every interaction has always been exhausting, and she never seems to be able to do anything right by Lana. Her daughter has needed help for a long time, what sort of mother does that make her, when she can’t even guide her own child without professional help? What is a mother to do with a child who hurts herself, how do you save anyone from themselves?
Why is it so difficult with Lana, when she doesn’t struggle with her eldest, Meg? Even Meg tries to crack her sister’s shell of silence, dig for answers. The dynamics in the family may be part of the acting out. It is suffocating to be the ‘problem’ child, just as difficult to be a responsible one, both of Jen’s daughters have their own perspective on how each of them fit in the family. Does Lana really just manipulate her parents as Meg accuses? Is it depression, is it a lie, is this incident just another scream for more attention? Is it ever Meg’s turn, when something enormous is happening in her own life?
There are times you can feel Jen’s frustration with Lana, because she knows how to use her difficulties as a crutch, how to dodge facing things by playing the victim. But that isn’t to say she isn’t one, because she is struggling. This is imperfect parenting, is there any other kind? Going back to earlier sessions with Dr. Greenbaum one can’t help but feel the resentment, shame and helplessness of opening yourself to professional because it is the only way to help your child. It can feel like being tarred and feathered, worst parent of the year. It’s possible to love your child and hate the illness, despair when engaging in the hopelessness, or the rage. Now this, this public disappearance with no way to answer any pressing questions everyone has, herself included. How can Hugh be so happy, think that suddenly all will be right with their broken girl?
Jen decides to find out for herself just what happened those four days and it’s nothing that she imagined.“The feeling that things were happening just out of her sight was growing.” Sometimes it’s the only way life moves ahead, children grow up- out of sight of their mother’s ever watchful eye. The police can’t crack the story, can Jen, without further hurting Lana? All she wanted was to help her, be it through GP visits or research in books on mental health, but there is no true answer to repair her daughter. She doesn’t feel any closer to making things right. Now, all Lana wants is to be left alone, to stop being asked how she is feeling, what she is thinking, what happened. Jen is desperate to understand, is it really spying if everything she does is intended to keep her girl safe? If her daughter shares nothing, keeps those four days locked up tight?
Truth can be horrifying and it can be heartbreaking. This is more a family drama, the horror is in how easy it is to feel lost within your own mind as much as your family. How do you put your family back together when you’re still reeling and the distance is only growing wider? Just how far will Jen have to go to understand the state Lana was in?
Publication Date: July 24, 2018